Waiting Around on a Whim

As much as I enjoyed Christmas..the gifts I received, the people I spent it with (both here at home and with friends), and the food, I find myself ready to leave home and get back to where I really belong..which is my other "home" back in State College, hanging around a giant television with 15-20 other people every day, and never having a care in the world outside of going to class. But when I go back..I feel as if there will be something else weighing me down..something that..despite fighting for..hasn't exactly paid the dividend i've wanted it to as of yet.

Going back to the place I feel I belong, this time, brings with it a lot more on my mind than almost ever before. It brings me worrying about certain aspects of my life and hoping that what I want actually comes through for me, because i'm finally starting to worry about what I really want in my life. It's more than likely the last few months I may ever spend in State College (hopefully not, but nobody can be totally sure), but yet I go back..not as much excited about the future but more hoping on the whim that was given to me before I left, and hoping that it becomes a lot more special than it already has.

Sure the time i've had is great, and i'd never trade it for anything, but at the same time..the next time I get back i'm suddenly playing an entirely different game with myself. Not one where i'm depressed and worried about my future, but more..excited and happy..but still worried about what people may think and how they will act around me, especially certain people (who know who they are). My whim is a lot of what i've wanted and a lot of what others have seen in myself..that needed to happen, and the fact that people are now giving me chances..i'm just hoping that the chance lasts a lot longer than the four months I may have left because i'm afraid of losing those chances..especially when it's something I have a chance to control and work with and make my own.

Waiting around on a whim isn't normally bad..but when you're afraid of losing the whim due to outside circumstances..you just hope that other people are going to make the same choices you have..and then realize that maybe the next four months..isn't enough..and maybe it takes a lot more to figure out if something is truly worth giving your all for and throwing your hat in the ring.

Making sure you fight on is one thing, but it's an entirely different story when you give everything you can..and you're still just hoping for one small thing to happen with someone else.

The Most Wonderful Time of Year, finally!

As my first blog post from home in south-central PA, I thought a pre-Christmas blog would be worthwhile as I have some time to kill. It's been a little while since my last blog post, but things have only gotten better and life is beginning to turn around for once. Despite bad grades, friends being hurt, and other problems..this Christmas seems to be shaping up to be the best one i've had in a long time, if ever. I figured i'd take this time to really think about my year in review and the issues that have come and gone, and the happiness that seems to be starting.

This time last Christmas, I was in a relationship with a girl I thought I loved very much..a huge part of me, to the point where I had a ring and I wasn't entirely sure what I should do with it..or if it was even worth having to use. In the end, i'm incredibly happy that it didn't work that way, for the pure fact that she ended up destroying my heart and any hope I had for the future (at the time). After that..I sent myself into a spiraling depression to the point where I didn't leave my room for months and I didn't really know what would happen to me..i'm not sure if I had ever been more scared in my life, and it didn't help that I eventually had to come home and face the music straight at the source, and then spend all summer trying to hide myself until I could finally get away and hide.

As fall came back..I was ready to get away from home..one last time. It was refreshing to finally get away from the pains of home and trying to get over my past and hoping to look towards a much better future overall. Despite classes..not exactly going to plan at the start..I still wasn't doing what I really wanted to do. I wasn't moving past anything, I wasn't..saving myself exactly..I fell into a deeper hole. I met a lot of great people this year that have done nothing but try to help me and help me through my problems and I can only thank all of them for the help they have given me since I came back around to Penn State.

Finally..November came. Quite possibly the roughest month out of my 21 year existence. The beginning of it was filled with..near torture. I was figuring out every little problem I had and they all just seemed to hit at once and it didn't help that even though I had those friends..I still didn't just feel right..I said a lot of things I shouldn't have said and I also said a lot of things that I needed to do and just..didn't. I expected things to change on their own and instead of taking my own initiative, I hoped that other people would pick up my slack..and I should have realized earlier those things would not happen, and I hit an all-time low. I place I didn't want to go back to, despite knowing people around me were happy..I wasn't..and it was at that point where I finally hit the turning point to go back to the way I was and finally do something I needed to do..which was find my own happiness.

Today..2 days before Christmas..I can safely say that life may not have ever been much better for me. I'm confident again, meeting new people, exploring new opportunities, getting ready to graduate from college..it really puts a person on top of the world in an instant, and at that point, you just hope you keep fighting hard enough to not let it go. Just because you reach the top of the mountain doesn't mean you can't fall from it just as quickly..something I learned the hard way a long time ago and something that..relearning now..I don't want to happen again. The future looks incredibly bright for me and i've never been happier..and I can only hope it continues to prosper.

So in closing..the year started off terribly and ended up exponentially better than I could have EVER hoped it did. I'm very thankful for the time i've spent with people, the people i've met..the problems they've helped me face and the new beginnings i've found before the Christmas season. All of the things that have happened this year have been incredible and there have been so many new learning experiences for me, and I can only hope for more in the coming months. We just always have to remember to keep fighting and making sure that regardless of how good or bad the situation goes, it can always swing the other way in a heartbeat. So always remember, even through the Christmas season, to keep fighting for what needs to happen and do it for yourself, because in the end, as long as you're happy..who the hell cares about what anybody else tells you? Do what you want to do, for YOU. You're the only person that really matters through it all.

Don't Piss Off Your Friends, and Good Things Will Happen.

 Recently, life has gone from pretty terrible to being one of the happiest times of my life, and a lot of it has been due to a very core group of friends that figured out what I needed and made me stick to it, and with those changes, a lot of positive has come with it. However, through the thick and thin, there have been numerous times where I could have been stupid enough for them to just leave me, and if that would have happened..I could only imagine what kind of hole I would be in at this point.

So i'm here today to simply say this: DON'T STAY ANGRY AT YOUR FRIENDS. EVER.

Being mad over the small things that happen is not worth the danger that can come from losing people that are close to you. Sure you're going to disagree, everybody does at some point, but it's not difficult to learn from your mistakes and just get past it. Having those people around for you will be so much more beneficial than thinking that you are right and "winning" in your own head. However, by having those people around, they will be able to help you more in your life and really help you to make the most of what you want.

My own case was very evident to me, in a slightly different situation. Despite knowing what my problems were and knowing what I needed to do, I still felt like I would need to talk about these things, when I knew in all honesty that all I needed was more time to do these things. The problem was that I was beginning to alienate myself from everybody else and only focusing on the bad things and not actually fixing my issues, which I found out later on was actually a very serious issue that was pushing me away from people.

However, by those people not giving up on me and not staying mad at me..I kept on. By keeping on the path that they eventually helped me with, i'm now where I am now, in a seemingly amazing situation that seems like it can only go up from here, and people are finally noticing me change, which is the first time it's really happened in close to a year. Because of a few people being selfless enough to stick with me through the thich and thin and get past their anger to support me, I got to where I am now and i'm more than thankful for everything, especially now that my life is drastically different from where it has been.

So, moral of the story. Regardless of the problems you have, no matter how badly you feel about someone or something they have done..don't give up on them easily. It's much better to try and support them over just throwing them away, because some people aren't entirely sure of just how big an impact they have on people. Having friends and being able to get through the arguments will be so much more beneficial in the end, and your friends will be able to know just how much you mean to them and how much you care about them.

Remember, as long as you keep fighting, your true friends will be right behind you, helping you along, and that can mean the difference between feeling terrible and being where I am now..which is in one of the happiest states i've been in for quite some time.

Why Being Angry can be Awesome for You.

Recently, I realized another epiphany in my life. There are certain times in your life when being sad is the normal thing to do and you want people to feel bad for you. You need people to realize you're upset and with that, you hope that they will be willing to listen and help with the situation at hand. This is fine for certain situations, however, in other situations..there are only so many things that people can do for you before you realize that you've pushed them away with the bullshit you need help with that you could have gotten over in a much shorter amount of time. You constantly talk about the same problem and the same conclusion comes to mind but you're always too afraid to go with it, so you just regress and stay in a limbo state between being over the situation and just feeling sorry for yourself again.

Then there's this cool thing, it's called being angry about a situation instead of feeling sorry for yourself.

When someone hurts you..why do you need other people to feel sorry for you? Sure it works once or twice but you're never going to get over it until you stop trying for pity and you realize that the person you're upset with HURT you. Don't be sad about it, be ANGRY at them. They hurt you, they're in your past for a reason, and yet people continually beat themselves up over things because they feel that it's their faults instead of the person that hurt them.

Stop it. Just..stop right now, and save yourself the trouble. Feeling sorry for yourself is temporary. Telling yourself that the person was wrong for hurting you and remembering that pain is permanent. You remember the anguish that happened and you don't want to go back there and think about the "happy" times you had, those times are gone. What should stick is why that person is terrible to you and you want to remember that the past is in the past and the future is what you're always working towards.

This is why anger is actually a great emotion to have about certain things. Being angry reminds you of how bad the past can be and with that, you learn to move on to the future, and you use the right feelings. Like being incredibly angry and someone who wrecked your emotions, or something else horrible that may have happened due to another person. Use anger to keep on fighting and move on from the past, because the future is what matters in the end, and you have to remember one thing..the person you were angry at? They sure aren't going to be in the future if you live your life the way YOU want it to be.

Trying to Validate Your Past

So, as those of you who know me are reading this, you probably know I have a fair amount of driving time (roughly 2 and 1/2 Hours). During this time..there's no distractions to my often wandering mind, other than paying attention to a long and winding road, and about 5 hours worth of music stored on something as small as a deck of cards. This is normally the greatest time for me to ponder the questions of the universe (outside of the shower, where most men do this. I simply feel this is on a much greater time scale), and to literally think about EVERY detail in my life. Whether it be relationships, my family, grades, friends, anything that pops into my head can spur on a debate in my own head on just what is the rational way to go about it.

However, these drives have never always been quite so exciting. Last year my life left me quite content, I had nearly anything I ever wanted. The only pain-staking problem was making it home in time to see my (then) girlfriend for a few hours before I feel asleep from the drive. Those days were great but then I realized that..my life was boring. I was already falling into the real world life I was afraid of. I became way too content with what was going on, just going through the motions of life and with that, I never had a care. It made me think about relationships and just how much they take off your mind. Another person in your life just makes so many problems..disappear. You rarely care about daily tasks and trivial little things, you're always thinking big picture. You always want what's coming next but you're never afraid to question what it may be, you just expect it. 

Then it's all gone in an instant, and suddenly the long drive becomes the most awkward thing you have ever gone through in your entire life. 

When you're not content with everything, life is on edge. You think about every minute detail on the planet. What went wrong, how to fix it (if you even can), what's next for you. You always over-analyze your problems and want to make yourself feel bad until you realize that it's not all your fault. You're only human and you can only do things based on what you know, until someone or something else comes along to teach you new things. Until then, however, life just becomes an awkward cluster-fuck of ideas, validating your past , and wondering what in god's name may happen in the coming days and months, and losing someone you care about, for any reason, makes this the most painful of all.

You wonder about everything you could have done in the situation and how you could have fixed things. They say hindsight is 20/20, but it doesn't help now. You simply..think, and think....and think some more. you wonder what that person is doing or what may be going through their head about you, just to realize..they've already left you behind. You're beating yourself up over nothing and with that, you realize that what you're doing is just..well, awkward. I mean, sure, being upset about the situation is almost a fact, but why are you hurting yourself when the other person doesn't even care if you exist anymore? Why do people constantly feel like they're so inferior because one out of 6 billion people on the planet realized that you aren't the best thing they'll find in their life, because on the other hand, it only takes another one out of 6 billion to realize that you ARE the most important thing to them, and with that, you know a lifetime of happiness will come around. 

I guess the only explanation is that..you wanted that person to be right one, and through all the pain and sadness they caused, you still....cling to that hope. You want that person to realize they hurt you, you need the closure and when you finally do get it your life turns around yet again because now you can move on. Seems like an awful lot to cover in what seems like a long car ride, does it not?

The awkwardness isn't really due to anything other than wishing you had the validation you needed, but you're creating the problem you're dealing with because you feel you need this validation from someone that now doesn't even care. So why do people put themselves through such awkward situations? Why don't people use the time they have to think about the future and not the past, and move on from what once was?

Well that answer is simple. People sometimes wish that the future WAS the past, because it was the happiest memories they have to go on, but little do they know..the happiest memories are probably yet to come. So next time you think about the past..keep it there. Stop going back to it and realize that it's the past for a reason, and there's always a future that, despite having to fight for it, will be a lot better and brighter than anything in your past.

..and sometimes you wish it didn't take you 21 years and a lot of support to figure it out.

The Past and Why People HAVE to Get Over It.

If you're reading this..i'm going to assume you already know the basics, but i'll throw a little bit out there just for background. I'm a currently a senior at Penn State with a major in Geography and a possible minor in Climatology, depending on how the year goes. I grew up in a small town in South-Central Pennsylvania, in the town of Waynesboro (slightly West of Gettysburg). Growing up I always had dreams that..every other person seemed to have. We always seem to have the dreams of meeting that special person, moving to the place of your dreams (be it a large city or out in the country), and having the job that pays enough to get us everything we want in life. While some people I know have those aspirations and reach them very easily, there are others that..don't always get what they need or want.

I can only imagine that I fit into the second group WAY too easily.

Despite my rather..gentle nature, most times, I tend to always..for lack of a better term..lose. There's always that one thing that happens in a situation that turns it against me. Some would look at it and simply say I have bad luck, other's would say it's a byproduct of my lifestyle, and others would simply tell me to shut up and deal with my problems, I simply have never been able to do that. I always seem to over-analyze my problems to the point where I worry myself about the future and i've been told at times that it simply isn't healthy to beat yourself up over the past, but yet it always seems to just be there..staring me in the face.

If I told my entire past, it would seem that my problem would be with relationships, since I have quite the bevy of excuses/reasons (there is a difference, at least SOME people are able to give you the truth to your face when you want it) of just what I have wrong with me. With it being such a laundry list of things to change, one would only believe that some things are really..superficial and you shouldn't put your time into fixing them..the person simply wasn't your type. However, there comes a point where the past problems that people have pointed out really come to fruition and with that, you begin to find out that you have to deal with these problems before anything serious can really happen in your life again. Recently with making a rather large choice in my life..therefore making a few close friends from my home town much happier while simultaneously throwing my happiness down a gutter to the sewer, was one of the few times where the past hasn't haunted me in this way. It didn't work because of a weight issue, or my personality, or anything of that nature, it simply didn't happen for the fact that..I didn't really want it to.

Regardless of the situation, my past was finally not coming in to play with a relationship, for the first time in..literally years. Something I had done before wasn't making an entrance to try and screw up what I was willing to give everything for in order for it to work. This time..I was given a choice, and I took the one that I felt would do the most good overall. Sure, it didn't work out for me in the beginning and at the time of me writing this, it still really isn't. The pain still gets at me a little bit and knowing how things are going i'm actually incredibly happy that things are this good. I didn't really expect for any of this to happen and the way they reacted literally was what I wanted to happen and with that..the choice suddenly became less painful for me overall.

So, after a lot of soul-searching, crying and a little bit of help from my friends, I made possibly the hardest decision in my life, and it wasn't based on anything that had happened before, it was just me..looking out for the future of others and myself, potentially. With that choice, I moved back into the loss column and took the blows as they came but I also realized that I was making more of a difference..not being there than I was actually being a part of what was coming, and it's not like I really had anything to lose over this choice I made, I went into it knowing what needed to be done, how it would happen and knew that after I did it, i'd be going back to the way I was (and if you know me, you know the way I am). But the past was slowly starting to lose its grip on how I worked in life.

You see..the past is simply..there, for myself, anymore. It used to define me, I would always tell people it was the way I did things and I simply didn't want to change because I felt people just needed to accept me for..well, me. But then I realized that this statement is complete and utter bullshit. If you aren't willing to change yourself, how can you expect to be able to tell others that they need to accept you for the way you are? You have to be willing to put forth the effort to change yourself so people can see that in you, and with that, the good things will happen for you..and it just seemed to take me 21 short years and two very close friends from home to make me realize this rather important statement. Sure people can accept me, but if "me" is shitty..hell I wouldn't want to accept it either. But if I can actually change it, then I suppose there's hope for all of us to be accepted in one way or another, and i'm glad I finally realize just what needed to happen.

And that, my good friends, is why the past is the past and NOT what your future will be. If you force yourself to believe the past is the future, you're simply deluding yourself and you'll never be ok with yourself to a point where you can move on and be a better person overall.

And remember that regardless of how down you may be, how shitty your outlook on life may be at the current point of your life, remember that something may just come along to give you hope for the future. That's why you always have to fight on because if you don't, you can't complain about anything being wrong! Get out there and FIGHT for the things you want, don't be complacent with your life now, get out there and make it better.

Hopefully this has made you realize that just as much as a few good people have for me..i'm still thankful for them (which seems fitting for Thanksgiving, nonetheless), and I hope they have nothing but the best times for however long my home town may keep them together.

As for me? There's only one thing I can do: Keep on Fighting the Good Fight.