If you're reading this..i'm going to assume you already know the basics, but i'll throw a little bit out there just for background. I'm a currently a senior at Penn State with a major in Geography and a possible minor in Climatology, depending on how the year goes. I grew up in a small town in South-Central Pennsylvania, in the town of Waynesboro (slightly West of Gettysburg). Growing up I always had dreams that..every other person seemed to have. We always seem to have the dreams of meeting that special person, moving to the place of your dreams (be it a large city or out in the country), and having the job that pays enough to get us everything we want in life. While some people I know have those aspirations and reach them very easily, there are others that..don't always get what they need or want.
I can only imagine that I fit into the second group WAY too easily.
Despite my rather..gentle nature, most times, I tend to always..for lack of a better term..lose. There's always that one thing that happens in a situation that turns it against me. Some would look at it and simply say I have bad luck, other's would say it's a byproduct of my lifestyle, and others would simply tell me to shut up and deal with my problems, I simply have never been able to do that. I always seem to over-analyze my problems to the point where I worry myself about the future and i've been told at times that it simply isn't healthy to beat yourself up over the past, but yet it always seems to just be there..staring me in the face.
If I told my entire past, it would seem that my problem would be with relationships, since I have quite the bevy of excuses/reasons (there is a difference, at least SOME people are able to give you the truth to your face when you want it) of just what I have wrong with me. With it being such a laundry list of things to change, one would only believe that some things are really..superficial and you shouldn't put your time into fixing them..the person simply wasn't your type. However, there comes a point where the past problems that people have pointed out really come to fruition and with that, you begin to find out that you have to deal with these problems before anything serious can really happen in your life again. Recently with making a rather large choice in my life..therefore making a few close friends from my home town much happier while simultaneously throwing my happiness down a gutter to the sewer, was one of the few times where the past hasn't haunted me in this way. It didn't work because of a weight issue, or my personality, or anything of that nature, it simply didn't happen for the fact that..I didn't really want it to.
Regardless of the situation, my past was finally not coming in to play with a relationship, for the first time in..literally years. Something I had done before wasn't making an entrance to try and screw up what I was willing to give everything for in order for it to work. This time..I was given a choice, and I took the one that I felt would do the most good overall. Sure, it didn't work out for me in the beginning and at the time of me writing this, it still really isn't. The pain still gets at me a little bit and knowing how things are going i'm actually incredibly happy that things are this good. I didn't really expect for any of this to happen and the way they reacted literally was what I wanted to happen and with that..the choice suddenly became less painful for me overall.
So, after a lot of soul-searching, crying and a little bit of help from my friends, I made possibly the hardest decision in my life, and it wasn't based on anything that had happened before, it was just me..looking out for the future of others and myself, potentially. With that choice, I moved back into the loss column and took the blows as they came but I also realized that I was making more of a difference..not being there than I was actually being a part of what was coming, and it's not like I really had anything to lose over this choice I made, I went into it knowing what needed to be done, how it would happen and knew that after I did it, i'd be going back to the way I was (and if you know me, you know the way I am). But the past was slowly starting to lose its grip on how I worked in life.
You see..the past is simply..there, for myself, anymore. It used to define me, I would always tell people it was the way I did things and I simply didn't want to change because I felt people just needed to accept me for..well, me. But then I realized that this statement is complete and utter bullshit. If you aren't willing to change yourself, how can you expect to be able to tell others that they need to accept you for the way you are? You have to be willing to put forth the effort to change yourself so people can see that in you, and with that, the good things will happen for you..and it just seemed to take me 21 short years and two very close friends from home to make me realize this rather important statement. Sure people can accept me, but if "me" is shitty..hell I wouldn't want to accept it either. But if I can actually change it, then I suppose there's hope for all of us to be accepted in one way or another, and i'm glad I finally realize just what needed to happen.
And that, my good friends, is why the past is the past and NOT what your future will be. If you force yourself to believe the past is the future, you're simply deluding yourself and you'll never be ok with yourself to a point where you can move on and be a better person overall.
And remember that regardless of how down you may be, how shitty your outlook on life may be at the current point of your life, remember that something may just come along to give you hope for the future. That's why you always have to fight on because if you don't, you can't complain about anything being wrong! Get out there and FIGHT for the things you want, don't be complacent with your life now, get out there and make it better.
Hopefully this has made you realize that just as much as a few good people have for me..i'm still thankful for them (which seems fitting for Thanksgiving, nonetheless), and I hope they have nothing but the best times for however long my home town may keep them together.
As for me? There's only one thing I can do: Keep on Fighting the Good Fight.
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