As much as I enjoyed Christmas..the gifts I received, the people I spent it with (both here at home and with friends), and the food, I find myself ready to leave home and get back to where I really belong..which is my other "home" back in State College, hanging around a giant television with 15-20 other people every day, and never having a care in the world outside of going to class. But when I go back..I feel as if there will be something else weighing me down..something that..despite fighting for..hasn't exactly paid the dividend i've wanted it to as of yet.
Going back to the place I feel I belong, this time, brings with it a lot more on my mind than almost ever before. It brings me worrying about certain aspects of my life and hoping that what I want actually comes through for me, because i'm finally starting to worry about what I really want in my life. It's more than likely the last few months I may ever spend in State College (hopefully not, but nobody can be totally sure), but yet I go back..not as much excited about the future but more hoping on the whim that was given to me before I left, and hoping that it becomes a lot more special than it already has.
Sure the time i've had is great, and i'd never trade it for anything, but at the same time..the next time I get back i'm suddenly playing an entirely different game with myself. Not one where i'm depressed and worried about my future, but more..excited and happy..but still worried about what people may think and how they will act around me, especially certain people (who know who they are). My whim is a lot of what i've wanted and a lot of what others have seen in myself..that needed to happen, and the fact that people are now giving me chances..i'm just hoping that the chance lasts a lot longer than the four months I may have left because i'm afraid of losing those chances..especially when it's something I have a chance to control and work with and make my own.
Waiting around on a whim isn't normally bad..but when you're afraid of losing the whim due to outside circumstances..you just hope that other people are going to make the same choices you have..and then realize that maybe the next four months..isn't enough..and maybe it takes a lot more to figure out if something is truly worth giving your all for and throwing your hat in the ring.
Making sure you fight on is one thing, but it's an entirely different story when you give everything you can..and you're still just hoping for one small thing to happen with someone else.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
The Most Wonderful Time of Year, finally!
As my first blog post from home in south-central PA, I thought a pre-Christmas blog would be worthwhile as I have some time to kill. It's been a little while since my last blog post, but things have only gotten better and life is beginning to turn around for once. Despite bad grades, friends being hurt, and other problems..this Christmas seems to be shaping up to be the best one i've had in a long time, if ever. I figured i'd take this time to really think about my year in review and the issues that have come and gone, and the happiness that seems to be starting.
This time last Christmas, I was in a relationship with a girl I thought I loved very much..a huge part of me, to the point where I had a ring and I wasn't entirely sure what I should do with it..or if it was even worth having to use. In the end, i'm incredibly happy that it didn't work that way, for the pure fact that she ended up destroying my heart and any hope I had for the future (at the time). After that..I sent myself into a spiraling depression to the point where I didn't leave my room for months and I didn't really know what would happen to me..i'm not sure if I had ever been more scared in my life, and it didn't help that I eventually had to come home and face the music straight at the source, and then spend all summer trying to hide myself until I could finally get away and hide.
As fall came back..I was ready to get away from home..one last time. It was refreshing to finally get away from the pains of home and trying to get over my past and hoping to look towards a much better future overall. Despite classes..not exactly going to plan at the start..I still wasn't doing what I really wanted to do. I wasn't moving past anything, I wasn't..saving myself exactly..I fell into a deeper hole. I met a lot of great people this year that have done nothing but try to help me and help me through my problems and I can only thank all of them for the help they have given me since I came back around to Penn State.
Finally..November came. Quite possibly the roughest month out of my 21 year existence. The beginning of it was filled with..near torture. I was figuring out every little problem I had and they all just seemed to hit at once and it didn't help that even though I had those friends..I still didn't just feel right..I said a lot of things I shouldn't have said and I also said a lot of things that I needed to do and just..didn't. I expected things to change on their own and instead of taking my own initiative, I hoped that other people would pick up my slack..and I should have realized earlier those things would not happen, and I hit an all-time low. I place I didn't want to go back to, despite knowing people around me were happy..I wasn't..and it was at that point where I finally hit the turning point to go back to the way I was and finally do something I needed to do..which was find my own happiness.
Today..2 days before Christmas..I can safely say that life may not have ever been much better for me. I'm confident again, meeting new people, exploring new opportunities, getting ready to graduate from college..it really puts a person on top of the world in an instant, and at that point, you just hope you keep fighting hard enough to not let it go. Just because you reach the top of the mountain doesn't mean you can't fall from it just as quickly..something I learned the hard way a long time ago and something that..relearning now..I don't want to happen again. The future looks incredibly bright for me and i've never been happier..and I can only hope it continues to prosper.
So in closing..the year started off terribly and ended up exponentially better than I could have EVER hoped it did. I'm very thankful for the time i've spent with people, the people i've met..the problems they've helped me face and the new beginnings i've found before the Christmas season. All of the things that have happened this year have been incredible and there have been so many new learning experiences for me, and I can only hope for more in the coming months. We just always have to remember to keep fighting and making sure that regardless of how good or bad the situation goes, it can always swing the other way in a heartbeat. So always remember, even through the Christmas season, to keep fighting for what needs to happen and do it for yourself, because in the end, as long as you're happy..who the hell cares about what anybody else tells you? Do what you want to do, for YOU. You're the only person that really matters through it all.
This time last Christmas, I was in a relationship with a girl I thought I loved very much..a huge part of me, to the point where I had a ring and I wasn't entirely sure what I should do with it..or if it was even worth having to use. In the end, i'm incredibly happy that it didn't work that way, for the pure fact that she ended up destroying my heart and any hope I had for the future (at the time). After that..I sent myself into a spiraling depression to the point where I didn't leave my room for months and I didn't really know what would happen to me..i'm not sure if I had ever been more scared in my life, and it didn't help that I eventually had to come home and face the music straight at the source, and then spend all summer trying to hide myself until I could finally get away and hide.
As fall came back..I was ready to get away from home..one last time. It was refreshing to finally get away from the pains of home and trying to get over my past and hoping to look towards a much better future overall. Despite classes..not exactly going to plan at the start..I still wasn't doing what I really wanted to do. I wasn't moving past anything, I wasn't..saving myself exactly..I fell into a deeper hole. I met a lot of great people this year that have done nothing but try to help me and help me through my problems and I can only thank all of them for the help they have given me since I came back around to Penn State.
Finally..November came. Quite possibly the roughest month out of my 21 year existence. The beginning of it was filled with..near torture. I was figuring out every little problem I had and they all just seemed to hit at once and it didn't help that even though I had those friends..I still didn't just feel right..I said a lot of things I shouldn't have said and I also said a lot of things that I needed to do and just..didn't. I expected things to change on their own and instead of taking my own initiative, I hoped that other people would pick up my slack..and I should have realized earlier those things would not happen, and I hit an all-time low. I place I didn't want to go back to, despite knowing people around me were happy..I wasn't..and it was at that point where I finally hit the turning point to go back to the way I was and finally do something I needed to do..which was find my own happiness.
Today..2 days before Christmas..I can safely say that life may not have ever been much better for me. I'm confident again, meeting new people, exploring new opportunities, getting ready to graduate from college..it really puts a person on top of the world in an instant, and at that point, you just hope you keep fighting hard enough to not let it go. Just because you reach the top of the mountain doesn't mean you can't fall from it just as quickly..something I learned the hard way a long time ago and something that..relearning now..I don't want to happen again. The future looks incredibly bright for me and i've never been happier..and I can only hope it continues to prosper.
So in closing..the year started off terribly and ended up exponentially better than I could have EVER hoped it did. I'm very thankful for the time i've spent with people, the people i've met..the problems they've helped me face and the new beginnings i've found before the Christmas season. All of the things that have happened this year have been incredible and there have been so many new learning experiences for me, and I can only hope for more in the coming months. We just always have to remember to keep fighting and making sure that regardless of how good or bad the situation goes, it can always swing the other way in a heartbeat. So always remember, even through the Christmas season, to keep fighting for what needs to happen and do it for yourself, because in the end, as long as you're happy..who the hell cares about what anybody else tells you? Do what you want to do, for YOU. You're the only person that really matters through it all.
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