Waiting Around on a Whim

As much as I enjoyed Christmas..the gifts I received, the people I spent it with (both here at home and with friends), and the food, I find myself ready to leave home and get back to where I really belong..which is my other "home" back in State College, hanging around a giant television with 15-20 other people every day, and never having a care in the world outside of going to class. But when I go back..I feel as if there will be something else weighing me down..something that..despite fighting for..hasn't exactly paid the dividend i've wanted it to as of yet.

Going back to the place I feel I belong, this time, brings with it a lot more on my mind than almost ever before. It brings me worrying about certain aspects of my life and hoping that what I want actually comes through for me, because i'm finally starting to worry about what I really want in my life. It's more than likely the last few months I may ever spend in State College (hopefully not, but nobody can be totally sure), but yet I go back..not as much excited about the future but more hoping on the whim that was given to me before I left, and hoping that it becomes a lot more special than it already has.

Sure the time i've had is great, and i'd never trade it for anything, but at the same time..the next time I get back i'm suddenly playing an entirely different game with myself. Not one where i'm depressed and worried about my future, but more..excited and happy..but still worried about what people may think and how they will act around me, especially certain people (who know who they are). My whim is a lot of what i've wanted and a lot of what others have seen in myself..that needed to happen, and the fact that people are now giving me chances..i'm just hoping that the chance lasts a lot longer than the four months I may have left because i'm afraid of losing those chances..especially when it's something I have a chance to control and work with and make my own.

Waiting around on a whim isn't normally bad..but when you're afraid of losing the whim due to outside circumstances..you just hope that other people are going to make the same choices you have..and then realize that maybe the next four months..isn't enough..and maybe it takes a lot more to figure out if something is truly worth giving your all for and throwing your hat in the ring.

Making sure you fight on is one thing, but it's an entirely different story when you give everything you can..and you're still just hoping for one small thing to happen with someone else.