Trying to Validate Your Past

So, as those of you who know me are reading this, you probably know I have a fair amount of driving time (roughly 2 and 1/2 Hours). During this time..there's no distractions to my often wandering mind, other than paying attention to a long and winding road, and about 5 hours worth of music stored on something as small as a deck of cards. This is normally the greatest time for me to ponder the questions of the universe (outside of the shower, where most men do this. I simply feel this is on a much greater time scale), and to literally think about EVERY detail in my life. Whether it be relationships, my family, grades, friends, anything that pops into my head can spur on a debate in my own head on just what is the rational way to go about it.

However, these drives have never always been quite so exciting. Last year my life left me quite content, I had nearly anything I ever wanted. The only pain-staking problem was making it home in time to see my (then) girlfriend for a few hours before I feel asleep from the drive. Those days were great but then I realized that..my life was boring. I was already falling into the real world life I was afraid of. I became way too content with what was going on, just going through the motions of life and with that, I never had a care. It made me think about relationships and just how much they take off your mind. Another person in your life just makes so many problems..disappear. You rarely care about daily tasks and trivial little things, you're always thinking big picture. You always want what's coming next but you're never afraid to question what it may be, you just expect it. 

Then it's all gone in an instant, and suddenly the long drive becomes the most awkward thing you have ever gone through in your entire life. 

When you're not content with everything, life is on edge. You think about every minute detail on the planet. What went wrong, how to fix it (if you even can), what's next for you. You always over-analyze your problems and want to make yourself feel bad until you realize that it's not all your fault. You're only human and you can only do things based on what you know, until someone or something else comes along to teach you new things. Until then, however, life just becomes an awkward cluster-fuck of ideas, validating your past , and wondering what in god's name may happen in the coming days and months, and losing someone you care about, for any reason, makes this the most painful of all.

You wonder about everything you could have done in the situation and how you could have fixed things. They say hindsight is 20/20, but it doesn't help now. You simply..think, and think....and think some more. you wonder what that person is doing or what may be going through their head about you, just to realize..they've already left you behind. You're beating yourself up over nothing and with that, you realize that what you're doing is just..well, awkward. I mean, sure, being upset about the situation is almost a fact, but why are you hurting yourself when the other person doesn't even care if you exist anymore? Why do people constantly feel like they're so inferior because one out of 6 billion people on the planet realized that you aren't the best thing they'll find in their life, because on the other hand, it only takes another one out of 6 billion to realize that you ARE the most important thing to them, and with that, you know a lifetime of happiness will come around. 

I guess the only explanation is that..you wanted that person to be right one, and through all the pain and sadness they caused, you still....cling to that hope. You want that person to realize they hurt you, you need the closure and when you finally do get it your life turns around yet again because now you can move on. Seems like an awful lot to cover in what seems like a long car ride, does it not?

The awkwardness isn't really due to anything other than wishing you had the validation you needed, but you're creating the problem you're dealing with because you feel you need this validation from someone that now doesn't even care. So why do people put themselves through such awkward situations? Why don't people use the time they have to think about the future and not the past, and move on from what once was?

Well that answer is simple. People sometimes wish that the future WAS the past, because it was the happiest memories they have to go on, but little do they know..the happiest memories are probably yet to come. So next time you think about the past..keep it there. Stop going back to it and realize that it's the past for a reason, and there's always a future that, despite having to fight for it, will be a lot better and brighter than anything in your past.

..and sometimes you wish it didn't take you 21 years and a lot of support to figure it out.